I have recently come to recognize a disease that I have suffered with for my entire life, one that I am constantly trying to overcome. It is a disease of the need to be perfect. For as long as I can remember I have felt a strong need to be perfect. Perfect at school work, house work, cooking, craft projects, event plans, dating, friendships and so forth. Part of this need for perfection I have come to realize is based on pride and part of it is based on a strong desire to genuinely be a good person. The true irony in this is that when I see others around me who are not perfect I never give it a second thought. All I know is that I enjoy spending time with this person or that because they are fun and not afraid to be themselves. Why can I not be so kind to myself? Often times I see only the flaws in my own life and wonder why anyone would want to spend time with me when I am such a mess so often.
The pride part of perfection is the part that everyone around me sees. The part of me that has to be perfect at homework, perfect in dance class, perfect at cooking for others, and anything else I try that others will see. When I go to activities or am asked to share a talent I spend tortuous hours making sure that whatever I am going to share is perfect. I can't show anyone what I am doing until I am convinced it is beyond critique. I refuse to share my talents until I am certain that those around me will be impressed by my accomplishments. Part of this is pride, part is my lack of confidence in my own abilities. This is part of a vicious cycle that I have ever so slowly been learning to recognize and therefore stop.
Then there is this other part of the disease called perfection that stems from a deeper place that is more difficult to address. It stems from the fact that I really do want to be a good person, to treat those around me kindly and fairly, never to be cruel or unfair to my friends and family; to be able to face the Lord with clean thoughts and conscience. Yet I am a human being. Perfection cannot and will not be achieved in this life. It is a difficult lesson for me to learn. Accepting the imperfections is the first step. Sometimes I will be cruel or unfair, sometimes I will judge too hastily or unkindly or lose my temper with those I care about. I wish it wouldn't. But it has happened before and will happen again. As a human it will happen. But when these events inevitably occur all I can do is ask for forgiveness from the person I have offended and try to do better next time.This is all part of the painful growing process each and every one of us must endure. We will all offend each other, and be offended at some point in our lives. Then we learn to forgive and move on from past grievances.
There will also be times when I have thoughts that I should not. Or waste too much time watching the television or fall asleep before I read my scriptures. These are all things that I struggle with frequently. Yet I know I will continue to commit these transgressions. I was in a church lesson the other day when the teacher spoke of a misconception she had had since childhood that she could not truly repent of a particular sin until she stopped the sin completely. Yet is is important to repent constantly, always try to do better the next day. I realized that I have also had this misconception. I tend to put off repenting until I am certain that I will never, ever be tempted to commit that sin again. I want to show God that I am sincere in my repentance, to go and sin no more. Unfortunately, I am human, and therefore will continue to sin. I can still ask for forgiveness and then try my utmost to abstain from that particular sin to the absolute best of my abilities. However, if I should fall again I have to get up and try a little harder next time. This does not mean that I am less sincere in my repentance or my desire to be righteous, it simply means that today I fell down and tomorrow I will try harder not to.
These thoughts are not stemming from any great grievance recently occurring. In my ward, however we have had some very interesting lessons on the problems with trying to be perfect-or rather how we handle life when we fail to be as perfect as we would like. Today my bishop and his wife gave a wonderful lesson in Sunday school about this disease called perfection and it really brought to light to me the fact that I also suffer from the disease. But there is hope, that is the bottom line. Perfection will not occur, and it is vital to recognize this fact in order to keep going.
The pride part of perfection is the part that everyone around me sees. The part of me that has to be perfect at homework, perfect in dance class, perfect at cooking for others, and anything else I try that others will see. When I go to activities or am asked to share a talent I spend tortuous hours making sure that whatever I am going to share is perfect. I can't show anyone what I am doing until I am convinced it is beyond critique. I refuse to share my talents until I am certain that those around me will be impressed by my accomplishments. Part of this is pride, part is my lack of confidence in my own abilities. This is part of a vicious cycle that I have ever so slowly been learning to recognize and therefore stop.
Then there is this other part of the disease called perfection that stems from a deeper place that is more difficult to address. It stems from the fact that I really do want to be a good person, to treat those around me kindly and fairly, never to be cruel or unfair to my friends and family; to be able to face the Lord with clean thoughts and conscience. Yet I am a human being. Perfection cannot and will not be achieved in this life. It is a difficult lesson for me to learn. Accepting the imperfections is the first step. Sometimes I will be cruel or unfair, sometimes I will judge too hastily or unkindly or lose my temper with those I care about. I wish it wouldn't. But it has happened before and will happen again. As a human it will happen. But when these events inevitably occur all I can do is ask for forgiveness from the person I have offended and try to do better next time.This is all part of the painful growing process each and every one of us must endure. We will all offend each other, and be offended at some point in our lives. Then we learn to forgive and move on from past grievances.
There will also be times when I have thoughts that I should not. Or waste too much time watching the television or fall asleep before I read my scriptures. These are all things that I struggle with frequently. Yet I know I will continue to commit these transgressions. I was in a church lesson the other day when the teacher spoke of a misconception she had had since childhood that she could not truly repent of a particular sin until she stopped the sin completely. Yet is is important to repent constantly, always try to do better the next day. I realized that I have also had this misconception. I tend to put off repenting until I am certain that I will never, ever be tempted to commit that sin again. I want to show God that I am sincere in my repentance, to go and sin no more. Unfortunately, I am human, and therefore will continue to sin. I can still ask for forgiveness and then try my utmost to abstain from that particular sin to the absolute best of my abilities. However, if I should fall again I have to get up and try a little harder next time. This does not mean that I am less sincere in my repentance or my desire to be righteous, it simply means that today I fell down and tomorrow I will try harder not to.
These thoughts are not stemming from any great grievance recently occurring. In my ward, however we have had some very interesting lessons on the problems with trying to be perfect-or rather how we handle life when we fail to be as perfect as we would like. Today my bishop and his wife gave a wonderful lesson in Sunday school about this disease called perfection and it really brought to light to me the fact that I also suffer from the disease. But there is hope, that is the bottom line. Perfection will not occur, and it is vital to recognize this fact in order to keep going.
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